How to find Calm in Chaos

In today’s fast-paced world, stress is something we all deal with from time to time.

Whether it's related to work, relationships, or personal goals, feeling overwhelmed can take a toll on your mental and physical health. The good news is that there are practical strategies you can adopt to manage stress and restore balance. Below are five tips to help you manage stress effectively:

1. Practice Mindfulness and Meditation

One of the most effective ways to reduce stress is by practicing mindfulness. This involves paying close attention to the present moment without judgment. When you focus on what's happening right now—whether it's your breathing, a task at hand, or your surroundings—you shift your mind away from stressors and anxiety-inducing thoughts.

Tip: Try a 10-minute guided meditation each morning. Apps like Headspace and Calm can make it easier to get started. This short routine can set a calm tone for your day and help you navigate stress with more clarity.

2. Exercise Regularly

Physical activity is a great way to burn off the energy that stress can create in your body. Exercise releases endorphins, which are chemicals in the brain that act as natural painkillers and mood elevators. Even a short walk or a quick workout can make a significant difference in how you feel.

Tip: Incorporate at least 30 minutes of physical activity into your daily routine. It doesn’t have to be intense—yoga, walking, or cycling can be highly effective.

3. Prioritize Sleep

Stress often leads to sleepless nights, but a lack of sleep can also worsen stress. It’s a vicious cycle. Ensuring you get enough rest each night can help you approach stressful situations with a more level-headed perspective and improve your resilience.

Tip: Aim for 7-9 hours of sleep per night. Establish a bedtime routine by winding down with a book, dimming the lights, or engaging in a relaxation practice like deep breathing.

4. Stay Organized and Manage Your Time

One of the biggest contributors to stress is feeling like there’s too much to do and not enough time. Organizing your tasks and managing your time effectively can reduce this overwhelm. Break down large tasks into smaller, more manageable chunks and prioritize what’s most important.

Tip: Use a planner or digital tools like Trello or Google Calendar to structure your day. Setting realistic goals and to-do lists helps you stay on track and feel accomplished without getting overwhelmed.

5. Connect with Loved Ones

Sometimes, stress can make us withdraw from others, but social connections are essential to managing stress. Talking things through with someone you trust can provide comfort, offer a new perspective, or simply remind you that you're not alone.

Tip: Schedule regular time to catch up with friends or family, whether it’s over a meal, a phone call, or video chat. Building these connections strengthens your emotional support network, which is crucial during stressful times.

Final Thoughts

Stress is a normal part of life, but how you respond to it makes all the difference. By incorporating mindfulness, regular exercise, quality sleep, organization, and social connections into your routine, you can manage stress effectively and prevent it from overwhelming your day-to-day life.

Try experimenting with these strategies and see what works best for you. With a balanced approach, you’ll find that you can navigate even the most stressful times with more ease and confidence.

HOW TO MANAGE ANGER

So it may start like this…

You’re running late for work and the line at your local coffee shop is a mile long. You keep staring at your watch as the line moves at a snail's pace. Then you reach for your phone, and suddenly someone cuts you in line. You stand in amazement as you cannot believe what has happened. Or, you need to pick up one important item from the store. The parking lot is full and in the distance you see it, one small empty parking space. You floor it, then out of nowhere a car cuts in front of you and snatches the space with the driver quickly exiting, shrugging their arms and giving you that “tough luck” look.

Or, if you’re a parent, you’ve probably been at your local park with your child, it’s crowded and it’s time to leave. You’re probably exhausted from lack of sleep and lack of proper nourishment. All you want to do is get home, put the kid down for a nap, and catch 10 minutes of rest. You then, slowly make your way to your child and tell them “It’s time to go” and then, out of nowhere, he/she erupts into a frenetic, banshee like tantrum, right in the middle of the park.

All of these situations result in the same thing, rage. And, not just any rage but instead a hot, intensity that brews in the pit of your stomach, like a scolding furnace about to erupt into a blazing inferno. It is hard to manage, as the amygdala in your brain kicks into overdrive flooding your body with high amounts of adrenaline. It is at this point you feel your hands curl up into sweaty fists, your eyes start to twitch and your face begins to tighten into an unpleasant grimace. What follows are a series of short labored breaths, spouting out your nose like smokestacks, making you look like a bull about to charge a matador. You’re pumped and ready to go, it’s on. You are angry!

Your body has just entered into an over stimulated, adrenalized state. In this hyper aggressive state, you fight the urge to retaliate, scream or punch something. This is anger and left unchecked, you literally could see yourself hurting someone. Anger is one of the hardest impulses to control and one of our most primal and basic emotions. It lies at the very heart of our survival, as well as serving as motivation to protect against predatory forces that stand to threaten family, home and security. From the first person who walked the earth and had to compete with other cavemen for food and shelter, to today's corporate executive who has to compete for a coveted promotion to parents everywhere trying to balance children and work; anger has played a significant role in our development as a species.

But the interesting thing is, even though anger has been with us throughout our evolutionary development, it is the one emotion that almost everyone, especially men, struggles to manage and control.

As a man living and working in New York City, anger is an emotion I know all too well, the constant struggle with the high cost of living, to the pressure of balancing a busy career, family life, and personal well-being. Add to that dealing everyday with people who seemed more tuned in to their cell phones instead of paying attention to the environment around them. Life in New York City moves fast, and if you don’t move with it, well you can get run over.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love New York, it has been my home for the better part of three decades, and it is the place I have chosen to live and raise my son. There are many perks to living here. It is a vast playground and a visual feast for the culturally curious. But it is a place that can be pretty intense to live, work and even play in. It is also a place that boils over with many different personality types and moods.

When you have a melting pot of all these different personality types, it can often result in people unintentionally erupting at the smallest things. Why? Because at the heart of anger lie expectations, the belief that things or people should behave or respond the way we want. As one can imagine, expectations can lead to a lot of frustration. The truth of the matter is, no person or situation can or has to respond to the way we want. People will act as they see fit, with the hopeful outcome being that their actions will result in an outcome that falls in line with something you want or need. Unfortunately life rarely works out this way, and when people or situations do not yield the results we want, it can lead to accumulation of built-up stress, resentment, edginess and quick to snap behavior. Scientific research has shown that anger often times feeds on itself, playing out a cycle where each angry situation builds on the next resulting in a backlog of irritations. Therefore, it is key to know how to break the hostility cycle early on.

So What Do You Do?

If you're among the many individuals who struggle with anger, or at the least you're a person who tends to have more unhappy days than most, you might hold impossible expectations for yourself and others and live in a constant state of continual disappointment. Living in this state is not healthy, because you cannot change everybody else and the attempt to do so can be extremely time and energy consuming.

Here are some techniques to help you stay calm:

1) Avoid activating events/triggers

It is important to be aware. As soon as you set those feet on the ground when you get out of bed, prepare yourself for the day. Mentally envision how events are going to play out as soon as you begin your daily sojourn to work. Like the coffee house example I cited earlier, if you know your local coffee house gets really crowded in the morning, causing you to get mad, then maybe avoid that particular coffee house and go to one that is less occupied. I know what you might be saying here, “But Ed you don’t understand, my local coffee house has the best, mocha/frapa/latte/chino that I can’t get anywhere else!” Well, honestly I feel your pain, as an avid java drinker, I understand the joy of getting your favorite coffee drink from that barista who makes it just right. But sometimes sacrifices need to be made. But don’t look at it as giving up your local coffeehouse instead look at it as an opportunity to try out a new place. Or better yet, adjust your schedule to grab your coffee at a less busy time, making it into a treat.

2) Step away

Learn the early signs of intense hostile emotions. Using the example of the parking lot scenario, if you know that your local mall, store or restaurant has a rather packed parking lot with limited spaces, then try to park farther away, where spots are readily available. Yes, you will have to walk a little but it beats having to get into a fight with someone, thus ruining that special date with your spouse or family time with the kids. The work again is to try to identify the red flags, signs that you’re starting to get anxious, tense or annoyed. Learning to read the signs and stepping away before feelings escalate, you can better make a plan to calm yourself and prevent your irritation from escalating.

3) Don’t dwell, so you don’t swell

It’s easier said than done to try to prevent certain scenarios before they happen, but the truth of the matter is sometimes situations just occur, whether we want them to or not. People will be rude, mean and sometimes nasty to you. Remember those expectations I mentioned, well no where is it written that people have to be nice to each other. Yes, it’s nice when they do, but that's because they have made a conscious decision to do so. So having said that, when a particular person or situation treats you less than favorable, it’s important to try and not carry it with you all day. Honestly, I fall victim to this more times than I can mention, sometimes ruminating on the ‘hows’ and ‘whys’ surrounding how some mean salesperson gave me attitude, or how some rude guy totally bumped into me and completely walked away, without so much as an apology.

People have a habit of trying to find some logic to the incident that made them angry, frustrated or annoyed. In my opinion, that’s an unproductive strategy. Why? Because there is no logic, therein lies the rub. Life is full of uncertainty, and the same goes for people as well. Nowhere is it written that any person, place or thing has to act, present itself or work in any guaranteed way. All you can control in life is how YOU act and how YOU think. Instead of rehashing any one incident, just make a conscious decision to let go of it. Take control of yourself, and make a pact to not let it ruin the precious time you have on this planet. Instead make a choice to focus on things you appreciate about any person, place or thing.

Some of the work I do with clients who struggle with anger management, is a technique known as cognitive restructuring. It involves helping a client prone to angry outbursts to stop ruminating on thoughts surrounding people or situations that have wronged them and instead, replace unproductive negative thought concepts with more manageable, productive ones. For example, if someone bumps into you, forcing you to drop your coffee, instead of thinking “My coffee is gone, now my day is just ruined” instead tell yourself “It’s frustrating that I dropped my coffee, but it’s not the worst thing that can happen.” It is important to note, that the world is not out to get you, just your coffee (Just kidding.)

4) Accept and Let Go

Acceptance is a skill that requires patience. Acceptance requires us to consciously acknowledge that we have done all we could to change, control, or manage any given situation at any one time. It is a valuable life tool that helps reinforce the reality that when triggers occur there is nothing more that can be done except to embrace situational challenges as they come and accept the reality of what is, not what COULD BE or SHOULD BE.

5) Relax and Breathe

In my sessions, the one challenge I see most of my clients struggle with is the inability to simply breathe and relax. Relaxation strategies, such as deep, controlled, rhythmic breathing and relaxing positive image focusing, can assist to calm angry feelings. But, like everything learned, the key is repetitive practice. First, it is important to recognize the difference between healthy and unhealthy breathing. At the offset of an activating event, the body often kicks into quick, shallow breathing, this is not breathing. This type of breathing is what is often referred to as “Angry Breath.” This short breathing only intensifies angry feelings and frustration. Try to develop a daily practice of controlled baby breathing; slow breaths that come up from your belly instead of your chest. This practice is the first, healthy step to productive anger management. The management infers a method or practice to be learned or incorporated into a habit, and the best way to do that is through conscious repetitive practice. Daily breathing, coupled with positive imagery, the technique of focusing on a relaxing or positive experiences from your memory or past will make situations easier when angry feelings manifest.

When it comes to anger management, the list can oftentimes be extensive. Hopefully these simple steps can be your starting guide to proper management of angry and hostile feelings. In conclusion, angry feelings cannot simply be eliminated, but instead they can be controlled. By making changes to the way triggering events affect you, and the ways in which you choose to respond, you can keep your anger and rage in check, making it easier on your personal relationships and for your emotional and physical health too.

I hope you find these tips helpful. Use this insight as fuel to discover who you actually are beneath those angry feelings and create new, positive behavioral patterns that will propel you toward more positive goals.

As always, I would like to hear your thoughts. How is your anger? Do struggle with anger? Do you struggle with managing angry feelings? Whatever your concerns or questions may be, shoot me an email, or let me know in the comments below.

As always, be well.
Ed

SUCCESS AND FEELINGS

Men are funny creatures. We constantly live in denial that we feel, or have feelings. The truth of the matter is we feel more than we let on.

Take sports. Anyone watching sports in a local bar or pub can see the true extent of how we feel, especially if our team is not winning. During the course of a standard game, we will often exhibit a wide range of emotions. From disappointment and rage, to the exuberance of a well executed spiral right into the endzone signaling a winning touchdown – the sports field is more than sufficient proof that men have feelings and they are powerful.

Most men that I see in my practice have lost touch with their emotional side, often times denying the importance of feelings or the relevance of emotional feelings in their daily lives. This denial is a common repetitive mental “recording” that replays itself over and over during the course of a male's lifetime. The root of this denial has origins in a male’s developmental process, as he grows from childhood to adulthood. In the course of a male’s lifetime, parents often teach their boys to cut off from emotional sensitivity and response, all in an effort to become more resilient, brave or “tough”. When a boy falls, what sometimes follows is a conditioning that usually sounds like this, “Come on, that didn’t hurt, shake it off.” Or worse yet, if a boy fails at a task and experiences an emotional outburst, what usually follows is, “Boys don’t cry! You have to cut that out and man up.”

Upon growing up, these “men of stone” may experience nervous breakdowns, depression or debilitating bouts of anxiety. To manage, or to “man up”, many men numb themselves with substance or alcohol abuse, all in an effort to suppress the psychological distress they may be experiencing.

From blue collar, to white collar and everything in between, there is no denying that feelings are powerful. Feelings exist as the lifeblood that is essential to our survival as well as fuel the motivation to work toward and achieve success.

So then what are we left with? Essentially if most men grow up being told to not feel, then it only stands to reason that most men will constantly “tell” themselves that feelings don’t matter, forcing them to live in a repressed feeling state thus challenging their leadership roles and impacting the ability to manage success and live a successful life. Why? Because the right thoughts can motivate us in positive ways, just as negative thoughts can cause unhealthy behaviors and actions. Our thoughts cause our feelings, our feelings lead to actions, leading to our actions creating results, which then hopefully leads to success. This cycle is on a constant loop, always playing out in our lives, whether it is conscious or subconscious.

Unfortunately we live in a state of negativity and pessimism. Positivity is often not encouraged, merely the importance of fortitude and diligence. Many have not been trained to look at the benefits of meeting a challenge, instead some have merely learned irrational beliefs enforcing that we are somehow not good enough, lovable or important, or that we don’t matter and will therefore be doomed to a lifetime of emptiness, isolation and failure.

What we tell ourselves about any challenge, obstacle or setback will determine what we do next. It is what WE tell OURSELVES, always. There are two schools of thought that ultimately lead to either successful results or failure. When the challenge appears, do you tell yourself I can or I can’t? One leads to achievement, the other leads to discouragement.

Have you ever stopped to question these beliefs? Have you ever looked into the perspectives that you carry about yourself and about life? Have you ever questioned their truth or validity? In my sessions, the key question I always ask my male clients when these irrational beliefs arise is, “Is this true? Are these thoughts helpful? Who would you be if they didn’t exist?”

So simple, right? Just think good thoughts and success will follow. No, because working on watching your thoughts takes an enormous amount of effort and one that must be done on a consistent basis. Consistency is key because challenges will happen everyday, and the thoughts will fly fast.

Remember this, every morning you arise to a new day, and in doing so you make an unconscious decision to live. You just have to truly OWN that decision and not just take it for granted as something you HAVE to do but instead something you WANT to do. When you do, that’s when the work comes in. As I mentioned, consistency is the key, because when you own that decision then you really open yourself to an amazing opportunity to be the master of your success in whatever form it takes; to take ownership of your thoughts by letting go of unproductive, limiting beliefs thus freeing yourself from a caged life.

Take a moment after you finish reading this article to contemplate what it would be like to not carry these beliefs anymore, or better yet dispute what does not serve you.

Who would you be if you no longer carried the belief that there’s something wrong with you, or that you’re not good enough, or that you’re not important, don’t matter or better yet, “don’t feel”? How would you think? How would you interact in the world? What would life be like for you?

Use this insight as fuel to discover who you actually are beneath those false limiting beliefs and create new, positive thought patterns that propel you forward toward the positive goals you have set for yourself.

As always, I would like to hear your thoughts. How is your thinking? Do struggle with your success goals? Do you struggle with negative thinking? Whatever your concerns or questions may be, shoot me an email, or let me know in the comments below.

As always, be well.

Ed

CHOICES WILL MAKE YOU HAPPIER

So the summer has come and gone, and what are we left with?

Well, if you're a parent then that means engaging in the frenzy of starting school and getting the little ones back on a schedule, and to bed on time. And kids to bed on time means bingeing on Netflix and more adult wine time, yay!! Well, in my case one glass and then falling asleep on the couch, can’t party like I used to folks.

The end of summer also comes with new and innovative changes in the marketplace. As a dad on the go, I am always interested in gear and products that will help make my life a little easier, or at least somewhat manageable. What usually hits the marketplace first are phones, most notably Apple iPhones. I try to follow the trends in mobile technology as it really plays a big part in my on the go dad life. From keeping track of school dates, parent teacher meetings and consulting with clients, mobile technology is at the forefront of my digital daddy lifestyle. Unfortunately as cool as these new lifestyle gadgets are they often put a strain on my limited budget. It also seems as if people around me get whipped into this “Gotta Have it” frenzy, immediately feeling bad when they think they can’t. This is due in part to the hefty price tag some newer phones cost. It’s sad, I really don’t like hearing when owning a product can cause such intense emotion, especially negative ones. So, that being said, the question that I have been hit with lately from friends and family alike is, are you going to get the new iPhone? That is a tough question to answer, one that many of you can relate to, especially if you’re a parent.

As a dad, I try to watch my spending. Don’t get me wrong, I love my dude tech toys but personal finances are always allocated to school supplies, clothes that my son seems to grow out of weekly and saving up for college. All finances are allocated to some arena of my family life. So, how does Apple play into all this? Well I own an Apple phone, an older model which has served me very well. It has withstood many drops, kicks and the occasional baby slobber. Juggling daddy duties and trying to work part time from home, the mobile unit has played a significant tool in my life, and the lives of many parents I am friends with. So I would be lying if I said I wasn't eagerly awaiting the launch of Apple's new iPhone. I was on pins and needles, soaking in the keynote, as I'm sure every Apple fan was. And, you know Apple, they build up anticipation like no one else, as they have made Steve Job's "one more thing" the icing on the cake of many of their presentations.

Now I wasn’t privy to attending the event, someday hopefully, so I was glued to my screen awaiting the big unveil. So after Tim Cook’s, “one more thing”, we were introduced to the new iPhone X. A shiny, all glass futuristic piece of technology, very fit for 2018. Now from what I could see it looks pretty cool with most of the body encompassing an all screen front, glass back and the absence of a home button. Which begs the obvious question, “How does one get into the phone?”

Apparently it incorporates a new facial recognition software, which is just a fancy way of saying you can now open the phone with your face. So screen unlock with one’s face sounds cool but remains to be seen on it’s accuracy after a slight glitch during the presentation. Luckily there is a back up as the new facial-recognition feature on the iPhone X seems to come with a software upgrade that reportedly will allow iPhone users to disable face ID unlocking by simply tapping the power button quickly five times. This procedure seems to revert the phone to its unlock with password feature. So that’s good, as I am not really sold on the whole face unlock feature as it has proven a little glitchy in other phones on the market. So we will have to wait and see if this is as cool as it sounds.

We then have a feature called “Super Retina Display” that apparently will allow you to jump tall buildings with a single bound. Not really, just kidding, although that would be pretty sweet. This super display will allow you to see your pictures and videos with a better visual clarity and color accuracy that outshines older models. But honestly, I don’t know how many everyday users will notice the feature unless you hold it next to older iPhones.

Next is the display size which is the 5.8 inch display which to me is really helpful as I have noticed eye strain and fatigue on my somewhat smaller screen. Apple has finally joined the bezel less bandwagon and gotten rid of those bulky bezels that have adorned it’s phones for sometime now. The iPhone X has a spacey sci-fi, cutting edge look.

We now have a super beefed up “A11 bionic” processor that will make you better than you were before: you will be better, stronger and run faster. Well I don’t necessarily know if it will make me run faster, although that would certainly be cool as I am late to everything. This new processor will seemingly zip through productivity features, such as video and multitasking better than before, making everyone a true bionic man or woman, depending on your tv show preference. I personally loved the bionic dog, but I’m quirky like that.

The camera is enhanced as well, as you will now be able to change the lighting conditions on the subject you are taking a picture of. This sounds really cool because as a daddy on the go, I am constantly snapping pics of my son in various environments and situations. You never know when you are going to want high-res images of your kid playing a turkey or tree in the school play.

Talking about turkeys, Apple hyped up the iPhone X’s latest ability to create animated emojis. Ugh! What is the obsession with Apple and emojis?? I just don’t get it. It was one of the biggest selling features of the latest Macbook Pro, which sounded silly then and sounds sillier now, but maybe that's the rub, allowing for the occasional opportunity to get silly with your friends and family. The animated emoji feature responds to facial expressions in real time. Yes here we have more facial recognition software, can you sense Apple is banking a lot on their facial tech?? As you look at your iPhone, it creates a digital, albeit somewhat creepy, virtual mask of your face that mimics your facial expressions. Personally, I found the feature to look gimmicky; and a feature I will not use all that much, but what I do find impressive is how Apple has managed to create a processor and GPU to make it happen.

Augmented reality is new on this phone as developers will now be able to create apps that let you layer computer generated images on top of real-world objects and locations, think Pokemon go but on a larger scale. Gaming looks to benefit from this the most as Apple demonstrated a giant T-Rex dinosaur terrorizing a group of players during a pickup game of basketball. Real world applications look to benefit from this as well as education, medicine and teaching can really take a giant leap forward as information and imagery can now come to life, really enhancing learning and applied sciences.

One of the things I was hoping for was a possible return of the headphone jack. Yes, I know how that sounds, old right? Well I was one of those that really misses the headphone jack as I still have a lot of wired headphones. But it seems as if Apple is sticking to its guns and not budging on this, as the iPhone 8 and 8plus, and the iPhone X only have usb-c and can only be jacked in using the supplied adapter.

Lastly we now have wireless charging which means you will now be able to charge your phone without having to plug an adapter. This feature is not new per se, Android users have had this feature for some time, but now iPhone users can take advantage of the ease of plucking your phone on a pad, or the various Starbucks that offer wireless charging, to juice up when on the go. And speaking as a dad who is constantly running from school functions to meeting clients, this feature can be useful.

So lots of cool features and glitz to the new phones. But what is the price you might be asking? Well, as they say, if you have to ask then maybe you can’t afford it. And that certainly is the case here, because pay you will.

Here is the breakdown: (I have included pricing from the small SE to the current X)

iPHONE SE

The iPhone SE is the smallest iPhone

4-inch display resembling the iPhone 5.

A9 processor and improved camera as the iPhone 6S.

Touch ID button which the larger iPhone X does not.

Prices: 32GB for $349, or 128GB for $449

Colors: Silver, gold, space gray, or rose gold

IPHONE 6S / 6S PLUS

The iPhone 6S and 6S Plus are upgraded versions of the iPhone 6.

4.7-inch screen on the 6S

5.5-inch display on the 6S Plus

3D Touch feature

Animated Live Photos

Faster processor than the older iPhone 6

Prices: iPhone 6S: 32GB for $449, or 128GB for $549

iPhone 6S Plus: 32GB for $549, or 128GB for $649

Colors: Silver, gold, space gray, or rose gold

iPhone 7 / 7 Plus

7 Plus has a dual-camera system and a wide and telephoto lens

A new A10 Fusion chip

IP67 water resistance

Prices: iPhone 7: 32GB for $549, or 128GB for $649

iPhone 7 Plus: 32GB for $669, or 128GB for $769

Colors: Silver, gold, black, jet black, or rose gold

iPhone 8 and 8 Plus

Glass back to facilitate new wireless charging

True Tone display for better color accuracy

New A11 Bionic six-core chip

Prices: iPhone 8: 64GB for $699, or 256GB for $849

iPhone 8 Plus: 64GB for $799, or 256GB for $949

Colors: Silver, gold, black

So as you can see there is a considerable price hike as you go up the line, with the smaller SE being the only cheaper option. The iPhone X starting at $999 for a 64GB version and up to $1,149 for 256GB, it’s “only” $200 more than an iPhone 8 Plus, so if you are on the fence and thinking of buying the fancier iPhone X, then maybe you can rationalize spending an extra $200. If you really need it. Which brings me to the point mentioned at the beginning of this article. Should I/you buy one?

What I have learned as a parent living on a strict budget means to constantly be aware of the options I have around me to manage my lifestyle. I am also constantly evaluating how much I use any products around me (bye, bye cable) which includes my phone. I use the term “phone” loosely because honestly, who talks anymore? Texting is the new means of communicating and many social networking apps include in-product messaging. So the phone is not the only reason one buys a phone but it’s a feature that has simply become an added perk, like solitaire was on PCs, it’s there if you want it.

So ask yourself what do you need? This is what I constantly ask myself whenever making a new purchase. I try to block out all the irrational thoughts that invade my mind, like you won’t be cool if you don’t have that or you will look old if you don’t buy that. On and on the tape plays on, filling my head with mental crap. Today we have many options. Apple is not the only player on the field, yes they are the most popular, but the many features they offer in their line up can be found in less expensive phones, that I personally would be more than happy to own. You can now purchase a rather decent Android phone starting at $200 or sometimes $400 dollars. And, as illustrated in the pricing chart above, you can still purchase an iPhone, if you are willing to settle for an older model, for a lot cheaper than the X.

All these arguments withstanding, the truth of the matter is, many individuals are going to want the iPhone X and I expect the initial demand will certainly exceed the supply, as it always does. But take into account you do have options today, and it’s best to weigh those options when making a purchase. Animated emojis sound great but how many times are you going to really use that feature? 4K video is awesome but do you need that to simply take family vacation videos? If all you do is check emails and social media, well almost every phone on the market does that.

I know for myself, even though the iPhone X looks cool, it’s probably a phone I won’t purchase. My needs are simple, as I use only a handful of apps on any given day. I use Google’s suite of productivity tools, that can be accessed on any device. And all I need is a reliable camera for taking nice, decent pictures for everyday on the go moments, which again can be found on most phones. Worthy notables, and options I am looking at now are, the iPhone 6s Plus if you really need an iPhone fix, LG G6/V30, Google Pixel, Samsung S8 and One Plus. You see, options. So many good options are out there to help manage the latest and greatest game.

I hope this article was helpful.

If you would like more information like this than sign up for the free newsletter. And be on the lookout for my forthcoming Youtube channel where I will be covering material like this in more depth, and from a fun, focused fatherhood perspective.

Cheers,

Ed

RESOLVING RELATIONAL CONFLICT

6 Steps to resolving relational conflict

Why you should be talking about a communication strategy.

Relationships are nice. They can be so nurturing to the body and the soul. Relationships often vary from intimate relationships with a spouse, partner or close friend to more casual acquaintances. One trait that each of these have in common is that to nurture a healthy relationship there is a certain amount of work involved. One area that is often overlooked is communication.

I realized that the reason a relationship is so prone to conflict instead of healthy communication flow, is that in relationships we often fall victim to the communication blackhole, the bottomless void of confusion and chaos. This is where most relationships head due to a lack of proper effort, information exchange and sharing of feelings. What often happens is we put on rose colored glasses, and ignore the problem by living in denial, or we appease each other with superficial gifts or fake behaviors that stand as temporary fixes instead of real healing. The truth is, relationship problems can’t be fixed with temporary plugging of leaks, bandages or any other makeshift technique. What is really needed is a relational communication strategy.

A plan is needed if there is any hope of resolving a conflict in a healthy and helpful manner.

These 6 strategies are useful if you want to escape the relational black hole and live with more hope and love with your spouse or partner.

1) Block out time

To open up dialogue with your partner you need to carve out some time to do it. So it is important to find the right time to talk. Pick a day and time, when both you and your partner are not distracted, occupied with something else or rushing between tasks. If need be, consider scheduling a time on your smartphone or scheduling app, if both are busy!

2) Start off being real

The road to conflict resolution starts with, well starting. A little obvious I know, but it’s the truth. And there is no better way to start then by making an agreement to be real, I mean really real. This is a little easier said than done.

To be real is agreeing to be authentic and totally honest. Often times being honest is scary because you allow yourself to be open and vulnerable, and you ask the same of your partner. But once you both can agree to starting the conversation with being “Real”, then you both will feel better and be on the path to a healthy dialogue exchange.

3) Figure out what you want to say

It is important that when you open up time for a dialogue exchange and want to share with any type of intention, you get really clear and focused on what you both want to say. After you have chosen to talk, there is a little homework to be done. Each person should make time to break down what each feels is the underlying problem causing the conflict, and some key points to how the conflict has made them feel and each has hurt one another. If need be, you can even write it down in key points or topics, to better organize what you are trying to convey to your partner or spouse. Now, before you say it, I know this process can be a little formal, but as I mentioned, relationship building takes work and effort. If you want any hope of living conflict free and with more love, then you ‘gotta’ work it, as they say.

4) Keep it on ‘I’ and ‘We”

To keep things civil and calm, set the terms of the discussion. It is important to create, not only a healthy dialogue exchange, but a safe one. Even when couples/partners agree to talk it can still fall into typical behaviors of accusations and judgements. In facilitating support groups one of the rules we have is to keep topics on the ‘I’. For example, say “I feel like we haven’t made time to be close lately” instead of “You are ignoring me.” An underlying goal of proper conflict resolution, is to make each other feel the agreement being entered is safe and without judgment; utilizing ‘I’ statements does this. ‘You’ statements can be often seen as attacking, which will make each partner defensive and less receptive to sharing or listening to what each is trying to convey.

5) Start with ‘what’ not ‘why’

In developing your list of concerns, you should phrase concerns with the ‘what’ not the ‘why’. People often tend to listen better when they understand the ‘what’ of the conversation opposed to the ‘why”. Essentially, when we fight or have a misunderstanding of some sort, what often happens is that there is some confusion to what initiated the conflict. It usually goes like this, there is the big fight, then you separate because of the frustration, then when alone all you can think of is, “What just happened?”, “What is happening to us?”, “What made he/she so mad?”

So to better open a healthy stream of dialogue of resolution, questions should be posed in the same manner in order to really get your partner to think. Some opening questions can be, “What made you so mad?”, “What do you think is the problem between us?”, “What can we do better?” The goal is to think more and argue less.

6) Allow Time

Give your partner time to process the concerns and change you’re calling for. This process takes time, as each will have to sit with what was said for a period of time. In some cases this might take several days, depending on the size and situation of the conflict/disagreement. To help facilitate this, you can each agree upon a set day when each of you will sit down and follow up with what was said, and what each other thinks is working.

Communicating isn’t always easy. At first, some of these tips may feel unnatural or awkward, but they will help you communicate better and build a healthy relationship.

So that’s it. The list is a primer to help you in resolving conflicts as painless as possible. Take your time with the list, as change doesn't happen overnight. As I mentioned, relationships take work and communication isn’t always easy, but if couples put in the effort, it will help nurture stress free relational living and build a healthy relationship.

Clear communication is a necessity in relationships of all kindS. Here’s why having a plan can make the process painless.

Warmly,

Ed

FREE PLAY IS THE WAY

4 Reasons why ,

free play beats working out at the gym

Remember when you used to play? Running after the person who was ‘it’, because nobody ever wants to be ‘it’. Jumping off the highest point on the jungle gym. Swinging so high you swear you could actually touch the sky. Sliding down the slide face first because the more dangerous the better and then rolling around in laughter. Lots and lots of laughter. Playing was so much fun, as we stretched our imaginations and created fantastical scenarios that broke the confining limitations of our small world.

Now do you remember how you felt after a rigorous day of playing? You were just pumped, and for the most part, always happy and carefree. Too bad that feeling doesn’t always last forever, as the reality of our grownup world quickly sets in. Slowly we succumb to the responsibilities of adulthood, and exchange authentic playfulness with working long hours and sacrificing relationships for the hopes of promotion, a bonus and the elusive corner office. This lifestyle comes at a price as slowly we succumb to feeling overworked and frustrated, not to mention living in a constant state of lethargy, where unhealthy behaviors deplete our body of energy and dragging ourselves out of bed in the morning requires the strength of the Hulk.

So what can one do to combat these feelings?

Well read on dear reader.

Recently we had some unexpected hot days here in the Big Apple, more like apple sauce, as we were all melting in the hot sun. One day it reached 95 degrees, a real scorcher. Thankfully the sprinklers were turned on at my son’s school. Having the sprinklers on was a god send, as all the kids lost themselves to the joy of splashing in the cool water, and getting totally soaked, at least that’s how my son rolls. He loves the water, which drives me crazy as he hates to take a bath, what is up with that? Makes no sense, but honestly, most of the things that kids do rarely make any sense.

Seeing my son playing and enjoying himself is awesome, such innocence and purity at work is so heart warming. At play among his friends, my son is the master of his world, and no one can tell him otherwise. I marvel as he connects easily with his fellow play artists, friends and strangers alike, not demanding anything in return, just their time, energy and enthusiasm. Kids of various colors, creeds and ethnicities who come into his proximity are easily welcomed. They run, chase and laugh with one another. They also engage in a joint curiosity when another finds something of simple interest; it usually tends to be bugs because there is nothing quite as interesting as creepy crawlies, the grosser the better, ahh kids.

Breaking for a quick respite from his play, he came over to me and paused for some snacks. Playing in the hot sun can get a child’s appetite pretty worked up. As he munched on his sandwich and goldfish crackers, I asked him, “Hey buddy nice day right?” He then responded, “Yeah dad, it’s awesome, I’m really happy.”

He then proceeded to choke down his food, as he did not want to miss a game of bumper cars, a game the kids play sitting at the end of a slide and each one takes turns sliding down sideways bumping one another off the slide. It sounds weird I know, but trust me it’s fun, at least it looks that way, as grown ups are not allowed to play, something about butt size or not being cool enough, it’s always political man, even at the playground. But I digress. As I was watching him play I was standing in the sunlight. The combination of the sun’s warmth and seeing my son's joyfulness felt good, really good. I couldn’t help having this big ole smile on my face, as sharing this moment with my son, and the various kids in the park, just made me happy.

Now mind you before I came to the park I was not feeling up to the playground. I did not sleep well, and had only gotten three hours of sound sleep, so my mood was not perky, even after copious amounts of java. But after that moment in the sun watching my boy, it hit me, like a Starbuck's super venti, triple shot americano, right to the brain, I felt a sudden burst of positive energy. It was in that moment I realized how critical play and outside activities can be to healthy adult behavioral development. Play shouldn’t always be seen as a silly, extracurricular chaotic activity regulated only for children, but rather an essential life tool for child and adult alike. Research shows that outdoor free play provides many valuable health benefits to not only children but adults as well, including the development of physical, emotional, social and cognitive skills.

So check out these four sure fire benefits of engaging in play, and then prepare to get outside. Your body will thank you.

1) Brain Health
Cognitive science experts all agree that free play not only benefits the mind of a child but adult brain development as well. Studies have shown that free play affects neurological development and determines how the neural circuits of the brain are wired. Put simply, free play has beneficial impact to a person’s confidence, intelligence and physiology. Additionally, free play also helps individuals develop better reasoning and problem solving as well as improves focus, healthy self-management and fuels creativity.

2) Physical Wellness
Research shows various forms of free play are beneficial to being physically fit and healthy. Playing is a creative form of physical activity. Playing has lasting effects on the body as it builds stronger muscles, improves bone density and heart function and prevents obesity, diabetes and high cholesterol. And here you thought a game of freeze tag was nothing but running around like a crazy person.

Did you know that the playground is a exercise gym in disguise? The playground is an unexpected arena to work out and one of the most fun, and healthy, activities you can do with your child. The plethora of options in playground equipment today lends itself to an unlimited resource of unique exercise equipment that benefits both grown up and child alike. All the tools and gear you need to reap the physical benefits of a whole body workout are not only free but easy to use. Take that, expensive gym membership!

It is also important to note that today individuals are often seen plugged into their various electrical devices and technological systems, making health and quality family time a challenge. The struggle to engage in quality outdoor time, physical play and family time is often greater when it involves children, who often times sacrifice physical activity for spending time on various social media outlets and game consoles. In order to better engage in quality time with your children, and cut the technological umbilical cord, it helps to engage in physical activity with your child. Put simply, they see you play, then they want to play and if you all play then boom, instant family time.

3) Emotional Strength

The physical benefits of play are quite evident, but other surprising benefits involves one's emotional health as well. Research has shown that play has a dramatic impact in building self-confidence and frustration tolerance.

Play also helps with emotion management and learning to deal with certain fears and scary experiences. Remember when you had to slide down the fireman’s pole at the playground? Come on, those pole seemed really high to a kid. Or better yet, remember when you were playing hide and seek, and you had to hide in a tunnel or other small space until you were found? Well all that experimentation helps build confidence and emotional strength when dealing with adult challenges out in the real world.

4) Healthy Social Networking

Remember when being social meant spontaneous meetups with friends to hang out or play a pickup game of basketball or baseball? In our current tech focused environment we as adults can often become complacent in building real relationships in lieu of artificial social networking, due to time constraints or work obligations. Interactions built during play with others can enforce healthy social connections and important relationship-building tools.

It is important to note that play can be more than just running around the playground. It can also mean discovering a forgotten talent, an activity or even a hobby that you love and don’t have time to do. The importance is to do something that lights you up! Engage in a sense of self play that fills you with that childlike enjoyment you had as youth. Even if it’s running through the sprinklers.

So be bold and run free,

Ed Munoz

THE SECRET INGREDIENT TO LIFE

It’s a good saying, but has anyone really tried it, i mean really laid into an all out spastic club dance? I would guess not many, and if you did, have you done it in public? Well trying to be more spontaneous in public is a challenge, trust me.

My boy likes to dance, I mean really dance. He will break into an uptown funk inspired free-style at the drop of a dime. All he needs is to hear some music and he is off to the races. Now this usually takes place at home, but sometimes there are those rare moments that the boogie vibe overtakes him and he cannot stop, and this can happen in public.

We were on our way to the park. He was singing, skipping, yes he skips, and just enjoying the joy of being a kid. Well i was very happy as well, and as usual was hoping I would get some sort of inspiration to coach my clients on and write about in my blog. Well inspiration did come, in a most unexpected manner. One I didn’t expect.

On our way to the park we pass a bus stop. It is usually filled with a long line of commuters waiting for their bus of choice, mulling around checking their various social media feeds with one hand and juggling a cold overpriced coffee with the other hand. I normally try to walk quickly past this spot as one can get trapped in a swarm of grumpy commuters. Of course it is at this moment my son is thirsty, and wants his juice box. So i quickly try to dive into my backpack and find his juice box, but I have to dig as i am carrying an arsenal of park toys, snacks and extra clothing, as my son can get dirty at the drop of hat. Ugh boys!!!

Well as I fumbled with my pack, a car passes by playing some loud club music, something with a real groovy beat. And before you know it, my boy bursts out singing and his hips start to shimmy and shake as if he had ants in his pants. All this takes place right in front of the bus stop which also intersects with a nearby outdoor parking lot, which serves an apartment building. So needless to say, in the morning this little intersection is busy, crowded and very congested. all the makings of the perfect dance spot.

So this is where my little elvis (he was the justin bieber of his time for you young folk) decides to dance. What am I to do but let him shake his groove thing? So he unleashes a barrage of moves, shakes, and then points to me and says, “now you, daddy, dance with me, pleaseeeeee.” I look around and the bus has just pulled in, and to add insult to injury, not only is the bus spot crowded with commuters, and people entering and exiting their various parked cars, but the bus drivers choose this moment to change shifts. Are you serious?!!

​In addition, some snarky individuals start chanting, “yeah dad, shake it!” ahh, new yorkers. So it is at this moment my heart starts to race, my palms begin to sweat. I think I was getting performance anxiety, either that or those three cups of coffee i had at breakfast were kicking in; but I digress...I looked around and I noticed my son and I are in the middle of a large crowd. Again my son cries out, “daddy dance!!” Again the crowd chimes in. As I thought about it there was this intense hesitancy that took over me. I struggled with what this feeling was, as a myriad of thoughts flooded my mind, “If I dance in public people will think I’m weird. I’m afraid of the comments people will say. Will people I know see me and think i am not professional? I’m afraid people will think I’m a clown”... on and on the thoughts flashed, but then in that moment, I realized I was crippled not because of my inability to dance, because truth be told I can whip a serious nay nay when the mood is right, but instead they were all fear based.

Fear is such a bummer, it can really dampen a good mood or suck the joy right out of a fun time. So how can we fight fear, especially in moments where we really would like to let loose and have unrestricted fun? The tools are simple. awareness, passion, motivation and kindness are the key tools to combat paralyzing fear. Becoming more aware and passionate is critical to becoming more spontaneous. An opportunistic attitude is essential, as well. Also, kindness is important as fear can sometimes force us to indulge in self talk that is harsh, mean and very judgmental. Unchecked, these patterns can have a detrimental effect on your health and can induce unhealthy physical and emotional stress. Whenever you see opportunities to combat fear and improve your motivation, you need to take advantage of them.

So here I was, In public, presented with the opportunity to kick fear in the tush. As I was about to shrug off this moment, grab my backpack and make a hasty exit through the crowd, my boy gives me the puppy eyes, his secret weapon of choice, and one he uses strategically to get out of homework, to prolong bath time and to usually get his mom and I to clean up his mess of toys at the end of the day. So he gives me the eyes, adds in the pouty lips (my son doesn’t play fair) and repeats “please daddy, dance with me.” So time of truth, do i dad up or wuss out? Well no papa poser here, I drop my backpack and start shaking what my mama gave me. And yes, everyone stared, and some laughed, some were annoyed and some, well…some didn’t know what to make of it, as some just shrugged it off to life in new york. But you know what, we were good.

As I danced with my son , I could feel it, that goodness inside, that warmth the spirit of spontaneity gives you as your playful strength takes hold and says let it ride, and I did. My son looked at me, and he smiled, and at that moment I truly danced as if no one was watching, because right there in that moment, no one who matters was, just my boy, and this one weird lady who kept yelling, “take it off!!”as she waved a dollar bill in the air. Man, city life can be strange. And if you want to see the goods, it takes more than a dollar to flash all my daddy hunkiness. Ok, that sounded weird, but cut me some slack I was caught up in the moment.

The best of us, myself included, struggle with fear and hesitancy. It is a natural habit, but one that can be overcome and changed. Like exercise, where you are constantly practicing a regime of taxing your body in order to grow strong muscles, increased stamina or flexibility, becoming spontaneous is no different. Learning to be more spontaneous takes work and developing a strong spontaneous core simply takes stepping outside of your comfort zone and practicing. Soon you will break out of your safe shell and begin living life with new fearless and enthusiastic muscles. Furthermore, spontaneity, like practicing regular exercise, will not be an instantaneous process, it will take effort and patience. But with enough practice it gets easier over time.

Therefore, in the spirit of spontaneity, let’s dance, get silly and try fun new things. who knows, maybe the next time you are standing in line at your local coffee house and a cool song comes on, you’ll throw caution to the wind and start shaking your money maker!

So if anyone needs some handsome boys to lay down the boogie, we do parties. just call in advance, we book up fast.

All the best,

Ed Munoz

3 STEPS TO SLOW DOWN

Are you a get it done type of person? I am. I love nothing better than setting up a task and checking it off as done. But as a busy working dad, life can get pretty complicated, especially with the growing demands of home and work. True life balance is challenging, and there are many priorities vying for our attention. In the early years of juggling working from home and raising my son, life was frenetic. And, the more the more I took on, the less that was actually accomplished. It lead to a frustrating and exhausting experience.

Habits are an important part of managing work/life balance. Through my son, I learned that children are beings of routine, and thrive in the constant habitual routines that run their day. Essentially, once you lock down the daily habits that are needed to tend to their needs, then you will be a more confident and effective self-manager. To better get things done throughout the day, I utilized habit forming as a means of slowing down and focusing on the tasks that needed to get done. Habit forming is an essential tool I used to help me keep on track and build productivity in and out of the home.

In the early stages of a child’s life, their world is very robotic, as their naps, meals and playtime all happen at repetitive daily intervals. As they fall into habits so too does the parent. Habits are very useful; if you integrate a motivating habit in your daily routine, then it will assist you in overcoming other more challenging tasks in other areas of your life. At the core, if something is a habit, then you don’t have to think about doing it, you just do it.

I offer the following 3 techniques to get you started:

1) Accountability and Commitment

Make a decision on what you want to get done and commit to it. Then, to help motivate you to accomplish your task, spread the word and make yourself accountable. Start with telling friends and relatives about it, involve your spouse or personal community and share it. This way the more people who know about it the more you will be encouraged, motivated and dedicated to doing it. It is important to note that there is no sense of making a commitment if you are not 100% intentional about it. So decide, commit and stand by your decisions.

2) Create a Habit

So now that the decision is made, and you are ready to start, then decide exactly what the habit will be and when you will do it. Set a self plan or personal scheduler, to get the habit going and on a consistent schedule. To begin, keep it simple. Whip out a notebook and a pen and get to scheduling. In our every changing world of fancy tech tools and social media outlets, nothing beats some old school tools. Simple tools are cheap, reliable and force you to focus. Smartphones are good options as well but can be distracting as you’re constantly fighting the urge to check emails or the various notifications that pop up on screen.

The simplicity of a blank page forces the mind to focus on one concept at a time, in a linear format. Personally speaking I found using a notebook to journal all of my daily tasks quite helpful. My daily notebook was where I chronicled everything that made up my working/daddy day. From getting up, to making the bed, to brushing my teeth and to helping pick out the outfits for my son, all is written out in a nice list that I check off as done. Now life can get pretty busy fast, so choose tasks that are doable and easy. One habit that I use to start off on the right foot is making sure my bed is made every morning. Yes, yes I know, making your bed really? This is a simple task but when it is done, it allows me to mentally check it off, and motivates me to get the next task completed. I utilize smaller habits to motivate me to get the the bigger ones done. But once the habit is created, stick to it no matter what.

3) Life is made up of Small accomplishments

This is when being creative comes into play. In our daily life we accomplish so many small tasks but rarely acknowledge them. As I mentioned above, I utilize making my bed as a start to prepare me for the larger tasks ahead. I then proceed with other daily tasks, eating breakfast, laying out clothes, helping my son get ready for school, replying to emails; all done in a linear, rhythmic pattern, to move me forward. Too often we focus on the mistakes and failures of our lives. Little thought is given to the small successes and accomplishments throughout our daily routines. The reality is we usually achieve much more than we think in the course of our life. Personally speaking, I know these activities serve as tangible reminders to direct my mind to where I want it to be, which is to slow down, think things through and get things done.

Is habit forming something you are actively working on? What creative tools do you use? What tool connects who you are with the new habit you are creating?

Let me know,

Ed Munoz

WHAT MY SON TAUGHT ME ABOUT WORK/LIFE BALANCE

What my son taught me about work/life balance

Several years ago, I stopped working a traditional full time job and opted instead to take care of my son, while I juggled working from home.  This is what I learned.

At first being at home with my son and not having to go to an "office" was a strange and hard adjustment. Life on constant call with a little one is demanding as your life is no longer your own. It was fulfilling work, but very exhausting, frustrating and, at times, very lonely.  I filled my days with long walks in the park, mommy and me classes, which usually meant I was the only dad in the room, reading to my son, playing in our home making pillow forts, changing diapers and learning how to be a good dad.

In the time I was home with my son, I met so many working parents who were struggling with their roles at home and in the office. Each reported operating under a constant state of stress that prevented them from developing healthy relationships, emotional control, and personal fulfillment on the job and at home.  In short, they were struggling with the elusive beast that is work/life balance.

Truth be told, at the time I too was struggling with balancing personal work goals and my duties in training a new life to eat, sleep, poop and and not have tantrums, which as any parent knows is no small feat.  Also, having diminished time to myself, to focus on any related work projects, hobbies and relationships, was frustrating. I found self-management a challenge as my inner kid was in a constant state of grumpiness and anger, throwing the occasional inner tantrum when I couldn’t get my own way.  Add to that the butting of heads between my son’s emotions and my own were evident as my household was in disarray. Disorganization and lack of structure caused everything to be thrown into chaos, and the more disorganized I was the more it impacted my home, my marriage and more importantly my son’s behavior.  

I soon reached a crossroads where I knew things had to change; or more importantly I had to change.  To better get a handle on my son’s needs I developed a rigid schedule on everything that encompassed his day.  From the moment he awoke to the moment he went to sleep, (well for the few hours he tried then constantly attempted to escape the confines of his crib by jumping out like a felon escaping Alcatraz), I adhered to a tight outline of essentials to quickly prioritized his needs.  

At first maintaining a detailed schedule was monotonous, as each day bleeds into the next, and you slowly feel as though you are stuck on a hamster wheel.  But, I noticed the more I did it, the more my son’s behavior changed and the more manageable he was throughout the day. Also, I became calmer and more centered, it was very zen like.  Slowly things at home started to fall into place. I was so happy with the changes I had made and the improvements I was seeing in myself and my son, I no longer resented being away from a traditional 9 to 5 workplace but instead found fulfillment and contentment.  In a sense I found my balance.

It soon became apparent that shifting away from the office to be with my family helped me become more grounded and focused on what mattered most—family, health and faith. It’s easy to lose track of what’s really important when you’re faced with the challenges of pursuing a professional career every day. There’s always reasons to stay late and catch up on work that didn’t get done earlier in the day, sacrificing weekends to get more work done, or otherwise letting work pull you away from family and personal relationships.  

In the course of being at home I slowly learned that in life, there will always be an increase in tasks and responsibilities, yet a decrease of time to accomplish them. But, it is how I manage myself in facing my responsibilities that will determine my level of success in managing my home and work/life.  

I have been juggling my parent and professional roles for seven years now, and these six tips have helped me to manage them successfully.

6 Strategies for Balancing Work and Family Life:

1. Priorities
Prioritizing is critical to accomplishing your goals. Compiling a list of important ‘To Do’ items allows you to make decisions about which activities take precedence and which do not. Priorities set the course of focus on what is urgent and valuable in your life, if not then you will always feel frustrated that you missed something important for something less important. The highest priorities on my list that I rarely missed were: sleep (adequate naps), play (daily fun activities and exercise with my son) and food (timely feedings and snacks for more energy and less grumpiness).  When my wife arrived home from work, then family dinner was important, no matter how loud my son was crying or fussing eating together was always a nightly priority.

2. Plan development and implementation
Once priorities are set, develop a plan of action that lets you accomplish your highest priorities. As my plan always included a detailed schedule of play, sleep, eating and quality time with my son, the work then was to make sure I completed those items to better meet the needs of each priority. Play meant finding age appropriate parks, playgrounds and facilities for play, as well as making time for activities at home.  Naps were essential as I made sure I had plenty of time to get home so my son could have quality rest in his crib and not an uncomfortable restless nap in his stroller. Meals meant making time to pack appropriate food, drinks and snacks so my son, and I, could have the proper levels of nourishment to carry us throughout the day. At the end of the day, I always tried to have this list compiled and ready for review as my wife wanted to know how his day was, and what his eating schedule was like.  This allowed her to feel more involved in his day. After which, we then always had dinner together, moody baby or not.

3. Discipline yourself
The most challenging part of executing a plan this detailed was being disciplined enough to actually meet every goal in a timely manner. Now granted, there will always be the occasional monkey wrench in the plans, like a sick child, a locked playground or forgetting the bottles, or the wife working late at the office.  Those times will certainly test your focus and patience. However, you can handle Murphy’s Law if your discipline is unwavering and you stick to your plan.

4. Grit, Sacrifice and the One
As the saying goes, “for the plan to work, you must work the plan.”  This means you must be dedicated to putting in 100% effort and make the needed sacrifices to be an efficient and effective self-manager.  To carve out some sense of work, as I wanted to keep my skills and training as a psychotherapist as fresh as possible, I tried to make time for opportunities to serve as a therapeutic consultant to cases and individuals in need of guidance and support.  Now in order to do this I needed to find time, a very scarce commodity in the parenting game, especially in the infant years of a child’s life. For me, this meant working during nap time, working late at night when my son and wife went to sleep, and sacrificing social activities with friends in order to facilitate weekly wellness groups at a local hospital.  In addition, since time was very limited, it also meant finding one, and only one, focused work activity per day.

5. All or nothing
LIfe balance is never effective when you are splitting your work and personal goals by multi-tasking. This is an unproductive habit that often leads to failure, both as a parent and as a professional. People usually are under the impression that the more taken on, then the more that can be accomplished.  What I learned is it’s important to not get everything done but the right things done. When I'm with my son, I'm all-in, laser focused on quality time and at home development with him. Children crave attention, and they're the first to let you know when you are distracted or ignoring them. Then when it’s time for some work, I gave everything I could to lead myself as focused and productively as possible.

6. Measure

The measures of success are very different in the workplace and at home. Success at work is usually measured by results. At home, it's the opposite. A truly successful home life is more about dedicated time not dedicated results.  We have a saying, “A happy momma, a happy home.” I know that my wife enjoys when we are all together, vibing and laughing. I see my son, and he loves joking around, laughing and having fun with mom and pop. That quality time eases everything in the house, it lessens tension and brings in an air of love and tranquility that makes everything feel good.  So, when my wife turns to me and says, “I like this, us being all happy”, then job accomplished, because seeing her happy makes me happy, and that is how success is measured in my home.

THE GIFT OF APPRECIATION

Today was one of those grumpy days where I didn’t want to wake up, and my body was definitely not looking forward to old man Monday. So as I lay hidden beneath my covers I gave myself a good pep talk. Well more like my son motivated me by twitching my nose repeatedly, asking me if I was awake, and then reminding me I had volunteer work at his school. Sometimes, kids are better than an alarm clock in their own annoying way.

So I jumped out of bed. No, not really….more like slithered out, and tried to keep up with the morning energy of my son. What’s with that? Kids totally have this recharge during the night and they awake pumped, hopping and energized, well at least my son does. Ahhh, youth I miss you so. Anyhoo, is that a word and do guys say anyhoo? Boy I think I need coffee. Anyhoo, see did it again, argh!!! I had some yummy eggs and some java, and headed off to school.

As I hit the street, YOWZA! that’s better I know guys say yowza or is it wowza I get those confused, anyhoo, argh again seriously, well as I was saying, it was colder than I thought, and the crisp wind blowing from the Hudson hit me like a slap to the face. Where is the sun? Where are my shorts and sandals? My inner kid was definitely not happy. So, much to the joy of my wife, I started to complain and whine. Which if you know me, I have a tendency to do as I am a big baby to the cold. I find as I get older, I am getting less tolerant of the cold and snow, and I find myself counting the days to the warmth of summer. Truth be told, I just love the convenience of a simple tee and cargo shorts, yes I know not the most stylish apparel but when you have a pack rat of kid who feels the need to collect anything he finds in his path, those large cargo pockets are not only essential but helpful, so don’t judge.

So back to grumbly daddy. So here I am just a sour puss when I stopped and checked myself. I suddenly realized I was having all this negativity swell up inside, not the norm for someone who likes to live the spirited dad lifestyle of loving all things positive, fun and java infused. But the human habit can be a sneaky culprit as even I can fall victim to negativity as it can easily pop up from time to time ruining one's outlook on the day. So to combat this I stepped back and tried to reframe, refocus and restart, (boy those are a lot of “re” words). But seriously, I really tried to stop my complaining and tried to step into appreciation, and see the gifts of what I had.

So to refocus, instead of looking at winter as this bad thing, I sought to appreciate the benefits of winter and this cold breezy day. Here I was walking with my family, talking and spending some family bonding time with my son on our daily sojourn to school. Honestly there is no better feeling than winter warmth, and the cultivation of that warmth through finding sanctuary in a favorite blanket or huddled close to family as savory hot coco emanates from the kitchen filling the house with an intoxicating aroma. I love the smell of hot cocoa, it truly makes our small apartment feel like a cabin home in the woods. In my house we go through copious amounts of cocoa, not to mention milk, in the winter months, so much so I have actually contemplated getting a cow to fuel our cocoa fix, much to the chagrin of my wife who laughs as we live in a small New York apartment and not on a farm. Probably more information than you needed to know but there it is. So, winter cold, blankets and hot cocoa with the family, where am I going with all this you might ask? As I thought of all these precious often overlooked gifts, I started to smile and feel good inside, immediately experiencing the benefits of mindful appreciation.

Appreciation is a powerful tool as it initiates feelings of hope and optimism. It also opens the door to positivity, as focusing on the positive aspects of a season, things or people will help you to be more mindful of those good things and people you might overlook in your everyday life.

Appreciation also causes your emotions to shift and the energy you would have expended on focusing on something negative and attracting more negative situations, instead moves you to a state of focus toward feeling better and attracting more positive situations into your life. To live in a state of genuine appreciation lifts the spirit up and makes us feel safe. It frees us from the trappings of worry and preoccupation which drain our energy from living a value based life.

That led me to start appreciating the moment with my wife and son, and all the things and people I encountered on my way to my son’s school, and the day just felt a whole lot better. It comes down to this, everyday we're presented with new challenges, but in each day there are also a number of hidden rewards and life gems we often fail to appreciate. Simple things like nature and its awesome majestic beauty, a good meal, a treasured friend, a simple kind act, that job you might not always want to go to but pays you a paycheck that allows you to take nice vacations, all of it is there but we fail to appreciate them and all of the little things in-between.

So appreciate the seasons in all their glory, and look forward to the miracles that are hidden in everyday life for they will open the door to more of life’s gifts now and those that are sure to come. Be mindful of your world and live with a more appreciative mindset. The more specific you can be about what you value in your world, the more positive your impact will be.

I hope this spiritual nugget has served you today.

Warmest regards,

ED